Archive | August, 2008

Winding down

31 Aug

No, I am not winding down this blog. I actually have come to enjoy blogging and the variety of folks I get to connect with via this blog, I find blogging to be rather cathartic at times.

No, today’s title comes from the fact that living in Maine, the Labor Day holiday marks the beginning of the end of summer, less tourists, summer establishments will start closing soon and life starts returning to some semblance of normal.

However this weekend also marks the end of elder child’s summer time with me, tomorrow morning he will get up and fly 1100 miles back to his Pops house and get ready to return to school. Joint custody has ruled my life for most of elder child’s existence, in the early years he was with me but he has been with his Pops for a while now. I am blessed that despite the unorthodox way he has been raised, bounding between two folks who truly do not get along that the boy has always thrived.

This summer also revealed to me that the my first baby while he will always be my baby at 16.5 is not much of a baby anymore, at 6’2 and now shaving, he is a young man. I admit that having another man in the house this summer at times was frustrating but overall this summer was a blast but also a reminder that realistically  there is probably only one more full summer left that he will spend with me, since I suspect the summer after high school may be spent preparing for college which at the moment seems to be the path he wishes to take with his life.

As parents we spend so much time dealing with the day to day minutia of parenting that it gets easy to forget that the end goal is to raise kids who will turn into fully functioning adults. I was reminded of this after talking with an old sista-friend yesterday who is trying to figure out how to get her almost 24 year old son out the nest. Her son is a good kid but is on the extended college plan and for his Mama who had him early like I had my son, she always thought by 24 he would be out in the world by now. Of course part of the unknowns with parenting is that we never know how are kids will turn out.

I won’t get cocky yet since I know anything can happen, but this summer as I watched my son navigate travel to visit friends and family in the area, I was struck by his confidence. One night we debated about the Iranian president who elder child calls a goon the US should be mindful of since if we get froggy, the Iranians will not go out like the Iraqi’s. I marveled that at 16, he thought about this stuff, then was reminded that I raised him to think about more than his own life and to also think outside of the box.

While I don’t see eye to eye with my ex-husband on most things, hence why he is an ex, there is a real sense that my son took the best we both have in our souls and ran with it.

So today marks a time where I start the slow walk to letting go of baby boy yet knowing as the years go by, mothering will take on new challenges, after all adults still need their parents too.

For my baby boy who I know peeps Momma’s blog from time to time, its been a good summer and we eagerly await your return in November. In the mean time I will enjoy the last bits if summer before we fade into fall.

In light of elder child leaving this week and another critical client deadline, my posts may be a tad sporadic for a few days until I adjust back into being a household of 3, though by mid week I should be back with regular posting since I do have some issues I want to talk about. So stay tuned.

Amazing times..mulling over Obama

28 Aug

I am in the midst of dealing with a ton of personal stuff this week, elder child is wrapping up his summer and getting ready to head back to his Pops house. I have been on a mad tour of preschools, turns out looking for the right preschool for a 3 year old is much like looking for the right college these days. Plus I have back to back deadlines for clients which while ultimately good for my pocketbook is bad for my short term sanity.

All that said, today the enormity of Barack Obama actually becoming the Democratic nominee just hit me, it truly was not that many years ago us Black folks were still drinking out the colored water fountains and putting up with some really stank ass shit, in other words living like second tier citizens. My own Pops lived through much of it, since he was born and reared in rural Arkansas, he saw his own Dad fighting to vote.

Yet in just one generation, we have gone from seeing Black folks fighting to vote to actually being able to vote for a Black man. Now I will be the first one to say that as racist as America is, I at 35 never expected to see this day happen. I figured this might happen in my kids generation, but never in my own. But we are here, so tonight I sit back and just enjoy this moment. Clearly its not a done deal, Obama is going to have bring it 200% if he actually plans to win this shit since there are plenty of racists that would rather let a crazy old war mongering bastard be in charge, bit tonight join me in celebrating this victory and remembering the ancestors.. many who gave their lives for the possibility that tonight would become a reality.

Girls and our shoes

27 Aug

Gotta take a break from the political happenings before I blow my stack. Back in the day, I used to be shoe-a-holic, seriously when the spousal unit and I met I had damn near a hundred pairs of shoes. Heels, flats, boots, all kinds of shoes for any kind of occasion. However as the years have gone on and I have dropped my old shopping habits, I have also downsized my shoe collection, granted moving to Maine from Chicago really helped things along since when one is moving 1100 miles, taking everything you own is not cheap.

That said, I still love shoes right now I probably have in my possession a mere 30 pairs of shoes and boots but being in Mommy mode these days I will admit I only rock a select few pairs on a regular basis. Since the heels are just no fun when hauling another human and the mister and I don’t get too many nights out for Mama to bring out the serious heels, plus living in a town of sixteen thousand, not many folks here can even appreciate a good pair of footwear. Mainers are many things but most are not fashionistas, when we first landed here 6 years ago, there were a lot of folks dressed in styles I swore I wore back in high school in joke.

However a few days ago my inner shoe junkie came out when I was at one of those discount places, it was either TJ Maxx or Marshalls and the deals on the clearing racks were amazing. So amazing that me with a size 9-9.5 foot bought a pair of kicks that were a size 8.5. Um, problem is I have not truly fit a size 8.5 since the birth of my son almost 17 years ago, but the kicks were so cool, so funky,  that I said fuck it.

Um…. how come I put them on today and my toes started talking back to me, telling a sista, please don’t do this silly shit again, you are too old. Yet I rocked the funky flats all day and now the feet are talking but the question is will I listen? See us girls do some crazy things in the name of fashion and now that I am back to my true size after losing almost 50 pounds, the inner rumblings of my fashionista self are looking to come out of hibernation.

Shoes, its a powerful addiction. The right shoe can make any outfit fly.. so am I the only shoe-a-holic out there prone to doing silly things like buying the wrong size shoe because it was on sale? Guess tomorrow I will give my tootsies a rest, but I suspect I will be back rocking the new kicks again soon.

Revisiting White Privilege and the Hillary Supporters

26 Aug

Last night I had a chance to catch Michelle Obama’s speech at the DNC convention, all I can say is wow! I swear I like her better than her husband, she appears to be authentic, I look at her and see myself and so many other Black women in her.. she represents well.

So I went to bed, feeling warm and fuzzy since between that emotional speech and those 2 gorgeous daughters, I was feeling good that I actually had the chance to catch the happenings last night.

Well the bubble was busted this morning when I woke up to my usual dose of NPR and the coverage about last night’s happenings at the DNC and they were discussing the Hillary factor, and had a couple of die hard Hillary supporters being interviewed. Let me just say they pissed me off, both women were clearly white, one described herself as an academic, the other a professional. They both spoke of how passionately they believed in Hillary and just needed proper closure before they could even consider supporting Obama. Wait! Hold the fuck up… you need closure. Um, newsflash, your candidate lost, time to move the fuck on.

Then it hit me, what has been bothering me most about the Clinton supporters who cannot let go and those that have  expressed the fucked up thought that they would rather vote for McCain over Obama (um, that’s not even logical but what the fuck does a little black chick from Maine know?). I think what bugs me most is that every time I hear these women speak, I am hearing them speak from a place of white privilege yet none of them would dare call it that. Oh, no, its coded in such a way that it sounds good, they use deep words, very emotional and moving language that while passionate, what they are really saying is  that losing to a nigger was never part of their expectations. I rarely use the n-word here but this is one time it feels fitting.  No, white privilege is predicated on the very false notion that whites are better than lowly people of color? Now, I admit I am not going to take the academic route here but white privilege is real and I sincerely believe the reason Clinton supporters can’t let go is that losing to a man of color is just not acceptable. When one operates from a place of privilege they in essence are able to look at the world through rose colored lenses, as I have written before white privilege allows one to make assumptions and not ever have to think about it, as I posted once before its simple shit like literally shitting where you want.

I have been Black all my life and its been my observation that whenever a Black persons bests a white person in something, no matter how trivial, the average white person gets uncomfortable. I won’t say all as my spousal unit is white and I know some good white folks but the vast majority only pay lip service to wanting to be equal.. in the end, for many white privilege comes into play.

At this point I feel like white privilege is too deeply ingrained in many Clinton supporters (where were these women when Hillary was being made to look like a fool while Bill was having not real sexual relations with Monica?), then again maybe just as I see bits of myself in Michelle Obama, perhaps these women see bits of themselves reflected in Hillary. Staying with a man, you really want to throw hot grits on when he has publicly humiliated you.. yet you stay because through him you can access power. However at the same time staying in a soul-less partnership drains you but at the end of the day, much like Scarlett O’Hara you believe there will be a better tomorrow, after all you are woman.. hear you roar. That was until that interloper aka Obama showed up. Ok, I admit I am getting goofy..not enough coffee yet.

Really though, the bottom line is that for me I believe white privilege is playing a large role in why some of the Clinton supporters cannot or will not support Obama. The pundits love to say Obama cannot close the deal, well unless the brotha gets a vat of white paint to give himself a makeover, with some folks he won’t close the deal and the sooner he accepts that and focuses on those he can convince to support him, the better off he will be.

Not so sure about thoughts on the O-man

25 Aug

Not that Barack Obama gives a damn what a sista in Maine thinks about him or his campaign, but the beauty of this country is that for the most part I can say what I want and blogging allows me the chance to share it with others. Regular readers know I generally steer clear of talking about politics but this being an historical week and all, I feel the need to add my two cents to all the many other voices out in the blogosphere.

Where oh where do I start? Truth is back last year when I heard Obama was running, I wasn’t all that jazzed about him (I believe I have spoken about this a while back), I am from Chicago but didn’t really have an  opinion one way or the other. Honestly, I was more of an Edwards or “shudder” Clinton supporter. However around the time Obama won Iowa early this year, I jumped on the Obama bandwagon like a whole lot of other folks, after all and I am  adult enough to say that I was being rather simplistic but the fact that the cat was Black pretty much lured me in. Since after I spent several hours looking over his policies versus Clinton’s, the differences between the two were negligible at best, besides being self-employed, Clinton’s mandate that folks would have to buy insurance pissed me off. So for me the scales were tipped by the fact that Clinton had way too much baggage and Obama was a smooth talker and he was Black and shit like a lot of other Black folks, I think it would be nice to see someone who looks like me in charge of this bitch for a change. Granted after years of the Bush-Cheney regime, a 1 legged elephant would be an improvement.

Now as the primary season went on and the other Democratic hopefuls dropped out like dying leaves on a tree on a crisp fall day, I truly was getting pumped for my man. I loved his swagger, and the brotha could give a speech… shit, that speech he did on race was fantastic. Yet at the same time, as he started throwing folks under the bus like ole Rev. Wright, I felt a gnawing internally wondering what is this man all about? Then there was the the thing about his speeches, they felt so good but what does it all mean? Seriously, can you break down this change and this hope in a step by step list?

No, as time and those speeches went on, I was reminded of a paper I did several years ago in grad school on the subject of knowledge management. See, I did a large paper on the subject of knowledge management, basically a lovely abstract paper that to this day I felt was bullshit after all I am very good at getting abstract when it comes to academics but framing it in such a way that it sounds deep and meaningful. In fact my professor a man, with not one but two PH.D’s urged me to have the piece published… thankfully I chose not to since if for a million bucks you asked me a specific question on KM, I would not get the cash. No, Obama reminds me of that paper.. sounds so good but Negro, what are you really saying?

Anyway his O-ness became the presumptive nominee after her Highness realized the math did not break for her no matter what she did. So I was cool, but the O-man started getting too cocky, too full of himself and honestly started making folks like me ask what is goings on here? All this leads up to his choice for a VP, Joe Biden. Now I know a lot of folks think he did good picking BIden, but me, if I was the O-man, um, no…

Seriously, back when Biden was running he talked pretty greasy about Obama and personally you say I am clean and articulate (sorry the paraphrase, too lazy too look that up) but I remember that shit. Words like that tell me a lot about how you feel about me and guess what I don’t forget. I don’t know but if he was gonna go with someone who talked greasy about him, I feel like damn, maybe he should have picked Hillary who it turns out he never really had on the short list so I heard this morning.

Don’t get me wrong, Hillary is a world class bitch, but she is a bitch that had a lot of supporters, many who are still frosty as hell at how things broke for their girl. Making her #2 would be fraught with issues, since clearly she and Bubba are a package but right now if these polls are to believed the distance between Obama and McNasty is not that great and before Obama and Michelle start thinking of the move from Hyde Park, they are going to have to convince a lot of folks to vote for them.

No, Obama in my two cent opinion is not nearly as different as he lead many folks to believe, the change is that he is Black. At the same time, that Blackness means he needs to work twice as hard to convince Joe Six-Pack to vote for him, Joe “hate niggas” Six-Pack would rather have more wars and more instability in this country than to see a Negro in charge. Granted I don’t think Obama will be able to do as much to change things as he would have us to believe but we know if McNasty wins, he will make Bush-Cheney look like the opening act to the madness that will rain down upon us. I believe if McNasty wins, we will be wishing for George “Bumbling” Bush and his evil sidekick.

So while say  Biden will help him win over that crowd, well I just don’t know since the problem is now all the kids who got geeked riding the Obama love-train are feeling like O was  perpetrating and not being truthful since picking a guy like Biden does not say change.

Guess the problem for me is that ultimately while Obama tried to make us feel he was sincere and different at the end of the day, he feels likes the same old, same old just dressed in a different package. That said history is in the making this week, so that is a change.

Too much I even know you?

22 Aug

While there are many who remind me that I am still a fairly young woman, lately I have been pondering all the technological advancements that remind me that I was born in a time vastly different that what today’s young folks are growing up in.

See, back when I was 16 which is the same age that my son is now, we didn’t have  cellphones, only a select few had beepers generally professionals and drug dealers. Back then calling long distance was a big deal and for the most part a long talk on the phone was met with a “get off the phone by your parents, you are tying up the line”. Pretty much we did not stay connected to each other like the kids do today.

Nowadays judging from my son and others I observe, talking on the phone is passe, instead folks text each other. Now I know this is not just for the young since I have a few friends my age that if they lost their Crackberry, they would be lost. I suspect I am a relic since I still have a book that I write my numbers into complete with addresses so even though I do have some numbers programmed onto my cell, my life is not stored there.

However that is not quite what’s been bugging me, no its the advent of social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace. I joined Myspace a couple years ago when my son got on, not because I wanted to spy on him, but I just wanted to check it out. Truthfully, I have never really got into MySpace, but that was before I got hipped to Facebook.

On a practical level, Facebook just feels more appealing to me, its a tad less cheesy than MySpace and doesn’t make my computer start acting wonky. Initially I was into it until it dawned on me that while we can update our status and share all of ourselves via sites like Facebook, why the hell does it feel like we are less connected? Then it hit me, we are less connected. With the exception of maybe 2-3 friends in my life, most folks I know seem to enjoy connecting via these types of sites. I have watched my friend’s friends list grow to hundreds of folks and I ask myself, do you even know these people?

See, I am old school, in order to be my friend, I have to know you. The reality is at this stage in my life aside from family, there are only 2-3 folks I consider friends. All the other folks are associates, don’t get me wrong I have some cool associates but see an associate is not a person you call when your Mama is dying. No that’s a friend. Today I was reflecting back on when my Mom was diagnosed with cancer how I reconnected with my childhood best friend and let me tell you she supported a sista through one of the darkest times in my life. In fact when I called to tell her my Mom passed, she made a 6 hour drive with her newborn baby, that’s friendship. D held me up, in that way only friends can; same for my other best friend B, the night I got the news that it looked terminal on Christmas Day no less, B stayed on the phone long distance with a sista for about 4 hours while I got my bearings. This is friendship.

Yet I am struck that today as we connect more and now the latest way of staying in touch seems to be Twitter, it seems that all this connection makes up less connected. Don’t get me wrong me a sista is not trying to be a Luddite, I love my computer too much, but when did emails and Facebook updates take the place of just a lovely long phone conversation on a Sunday afternoon while making dinner?

Seems we are all connected but do we even know each other? Like my best friend B recently said and this is a man who works in the media. He choose to have no Facebook or MySpace because he likes connecting the old fashioned way face to face or by phone. I will add that Facebook is nice but sometimes so is a call. After all if you have 600 “friends” on a social networking site, how many can you really call on in a jam?

Just a vent about life..

21 Aug

There is so much going on in the world that I could write about but today is just one of those days that I just feel the need to air my dirty laundry. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, anybody ever feel like that?

Several posts ago I wrote about my decision to take mini-me out of daycare and just have her go to preschool and hang with me the rest of the time. Well, right now I really don’t know if that is going to happen since after visiting day at the preschool yesterday, its safe to say that the preschool was not a match for my girl. It might have been a lovely place if it wasn’t clear that the goal was to prepare kids to enter schools and become mindless automatons who follow directions with minimal fuss. Now I am a Christian but this is a program whose motto is based off Proverbs 22:6 ” Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” I think there is some truth in that saying but this turned out to be a place that would have just sucked my girls spirit out and I just can’t have that.

Now it would be cool but the truth is I am in debt and need to get the fuck out of debt and paying thousands of dollars in daycare is not getting me out of debt. Most of my debt is the result of moving to Maine, financially our lives changed pretty drastically when we moved here and leaving at the moment is not an option.

So today is just one of those days where I feel like why me? Though I know if my Moms were alive she would say why not you? I know, I should probably not complain, after all I have the basics, food, shelter, family, good health but the truth is at 35 I am tired of just getting by. Its been years since I have gone on a vacation and while I like my house, I would like it more if I had the ends to get shit done to it.

I enjoy working for myself but today when I am waist deep in deadlines on a gorgeous day no less, I hate my work. People always say it must be nice to be self-employed, to that I say its a mixed bag, some days are cool but come tax time I hate it, since I am always scrambling to pay the tax man. Yeah, I know I should put away the money as I earn it but truth is I am not that organized yet, plus Murphy’s law always seems to affect me. No sooner than I have the cash earmarked for the taxes then something in this house or the car goes down.

Anyway its just that kinda day here in Maine, so here’s hoping that tomorrow I wake up on the better side of the bed and can actually leave the house and get some sun, shit a sista needs to work on her tan.

Checking out early.. we don’t live long

20 Aug

Its starting to feel like every time I go on-line, I am hearing about another Black person dying, generally someone who is in the prime of life. In the past week and a half, both Issac Hayes and Bernie Mac died, within a day of each other. Today, I saw a report that LeRoi Moore, saxophonist and founding member of the Dave Matthews Band had died, he was only in his 40’s. Then a few hours later I saw a report that Stephanie Tubbs-Jones congresswoman from Ohio had died after suffering a brain aneurysm and she too was fairly young, only in her 50’s. I must admit I am wondering who next?

Then again, I don’t have to look far to see folks dying young, my own beloved Mama, died 4 days after turning 50 from a 8 month battle with cancer; her dad, my Paw-Paw was barely in his 50’s when he died. Thankfully there are some folks in my bloodline who live to old age but I must admit the older I get, I do wonder if I will live long since statistically the odds in my family favor checking out early, which is a damn shame since this is one instance I want to run on CP (that’s colored people time for readers not familiar with that term)  time, not regular time.

All jokes aside though, statistically on average Blacks die earlier than whites and while we know there are reasons for it as far as the inequities in the healthcare system, even when factoring for socio-economics, middle class Blacks still die earlier so its not just po folks with no money to see a doctor. Even when we have the resources our illnesses are detected later, a year ago Mother Jones magazine did a piece on this where the author, a Black man spoke of his own father dying in his 50’s and he was a physician. Shit, that’s scary when you think about it… you mean Black doctors don’t even live long?

Now we all know about the dangers to the young, especially  young Black men, but the folks dying young that truly trouble me are folks 35 and up who I don’t expect to die young. I find myself wondering what can I do? What can we do to stop Black folks from dying early, personally I do try to watch what I eat, thanks to the internet while I am by no means a doctor, I can read up on things. Truthfully though I must confess I have one bad habit I struggle with and that’s smoking. For the past decade I have wrestled with quitting, I have gone anywhere from 1-3 years where I quit but then something triggers me and I fall off the wagon. Right now I am off the wagon, but thankfully I smoke less than I ever have before in part because I don’t smoke in the house, car or around the kids which doesn’t leave too many places to grab a butt. I recently had my annual physical and everything came back good, in fact I was bothered by how surprised the doctor seemed that my blood-work was good… damn, Black folks in good health can’t be that rare? Then again, I know if I don’t quit smoking for good that may not always be the case.

I sometimes wonder is it the food today that has us all fucked up? Seriously, what is it that keeps us unhealthy? I guess I got no answers on this but I say join me in commiting to good health, for me that will entail quitting the butts once and for all and truthfully I can stand to increase my activity level a tad more. I am not sedentary but I would like to be more active.

After all when it comes to reaching the end of this game called life, this is one time being late to the game is better than being early.

Tropic thoughts

19 Aug

I must admit when I first heard about this movie, I was pretty much in the WTF camp. However after reading a few reviews and a desire today to not work on a pressing piece of client work today, I gathered eldest child and the spousal unit and decided to go check it out while mini-me lounged at daycare.

This is one of those films that on the surface I see why its getting good reviews, Americans are not that deep and on the surface it is a funny movie. I think Ben Stiller has some talent as a director and from a cinematic angle he did do some interesting things. To quote a Ben Stiller interview I heard on NPR, he satirizes satire and I will agree that he did that well.

However as someone who studied media images of African-Americans (specifically Black women though I will don my quasi-academic hat here) the use of Black face or rather Robert Downey Jr as a Black man is disturbing to me. Now my son on the way home, told me point blank he does not agree with me and felt that maybe I was looking to nitpick at the movie. Yet as I watched (by the way Downey is a talented actor), I could not help thinking of early films such as Birth of a Nation, which is the most offensive piece of shit I have ever seen.

No, looking at the larger picture as a society we are not a place where I feel black-face regardless of how we dress it is ok. We may have a Black man running for president yet we live in a world where there are too many negative media representations of Blacks for me to be ok with this portrayal.  Downey’s character does attempt some shucking and jiving and is in fact put in his place by a real Black man but still its too much for my taste. The  fact that Downey’s character even attempts to shuck and jive no matter how brilliantly acted, still lets me know how the greater white society often views Blacks. We are not taken seriously, we are expected to perform and while on a base level we laugh it exposes the racism that is still firmly entrenched in our society.

Would I recommend this film? That’s a tough one, to be honest, though while Tropic Thunder is deeper than a Tyler Perry film, it was still a hard pill to swallow.

The $12 Lemonade, confessions of a spend-a-holic

18 Aug

 I have a confession, I am horrible with money. Last year when I unexpectedly lost my job, I had to take a seriously hard look at my finances  to see what could be cut from the budget. Let’s just say I realized that HBO and Showtime were not needed though I didn’t pull the plug entirely on the cable, despite the fact I rarely watch TV but with a teenager around, I figured maybe I should keep some form of cable despite the fact that if I axed it I would save on average $700 a year.

I also at least for a while gave up my daily Starbucks habit and started making my own drinks at home which helped in losing the almost 50 lbs I took off but I must admit as my workload has increased so have my trips to Starbucks, though I no longer drink mochas, instead I do a iced coffee with a shot of mocha which is $2 less than an iced Mocha. So, I am making progress.

However the problem is no matter how many budgets (they look so good on paper) I make if I leave the house which despite the fact I work from home I do leave the house from time to time, I spend too much money. Today’s extravagance involved buying elder boy and I each a lemonade at a smoothie bar, the cost for 2 natural fresh organic lemonades was $12. Yep, I spent $12 on 2 non-alcoholic drinks. I must admit they were tasty as hell but its these seemingly small purchases that just kill me. After all we are a one car family and its one old paid for car so I do some things right but its the small shit now that breaks my budget.

I must confess that I have started praying for guidance to be a better steward with the resources given to me because truthfully I blow money on stupid shit despite the fact I have cut back big time.  Yet I  wonder if there is some deeper reason why I spend, see my parents never had two nickels to rub together and I mean that with love. Pretty much if they had money, they spent money and in 31 years of marriage, I doubt they ever had more than five grand in the bank at any given time. Lets just say I was reminded of how hand to mouth they lived when my Mom passed away unexpectedly and I had to help the family out. Twas not pretty at all. Its that shit that makes me want to get a handle on my finances, so that when I die the bill collectors are not calling my kids. Truthfully though, my Moms left behind a fabulous wardrobe, think Carrie Bradshaw.. and that is not an exaggeration. My Mom was tiny, like a size 3-5 and caught all the deals but she never had financial sense and the reality is for many Black women in particular how many of us look sharp as hell when we leave the house, maybe even with a fly car but we keep the phone ringer off because the bill collectors are blowing our phones up?

Now I will admit that most of the debt I have amassed is via education and medical bills, not great at all but I can honestly say I have never charged a fancy purse or anything extravagant. No, instead I just never stashed away enough in savings because I was spending what should have been saved which is stupid as hell because inevitably the rainy day comes and I get caught without an umbrella.

So here I sit, once again trying to decide whether to pull the plug on the cable but more importantly trying to figure out how to stop spending on bullshit, after all $12 can buy a meal not 2 lemonades.

They say confession is good for the soul, perhaps I can get serious about changing my spending habits sooner rather than later.