Tag Archives: marriage

It’s okay to be mediocre

12 Aug

We are living in crazy times here in the US, many of our fellow country men and women are struggling to survive to the point where just keeping food on the table is a struggle. Yet at the same time many of us are still playing our role as the ultimate consumers. Fancy meals, coffee drinks (yeah, I am guilty of this one), standing in line to get the newest and latest iGadget, all the outward signs of success. I often wonder how many of us can really afford these things? Make no mistake, I know not everyone is struggling but most of us are living in denial. If we lost our jobs and didn’t find one in six months or so our world would collapse.

Yet despite the grim statistics that in this new America a permanent underclass is being created where a good 10% of us at any given time will be jobless and many more are underemployed. We still cling to the dream that we must achieve success and that well… success will include climbing the corporate ladder or maybe the non-profit ladder or owning our own business. Success is often defined by what we have rather than by who we are and frankly I think that is fucked up.

Social media allows me to stay connected enough to remind me that the second reason why I chose to move to Maine was that I wanted to get off the hamster wheel. Prior to our move to Maine and the eventual downsizing of our life, the Spousal Unit and I worked hard to the point early on we had a patch where work was fucking with our marriage. A boss who does not give a damn that your wife is sick has a funny way of creating tension in a marriage especially when your presence is requested on a Sunday just so you can sit in the office and be on call for a client. When the Spousal Unit was fired from his lovely well paid position at a Big 4 firm, it was the beginning of a turning point in our marriage that turned out to be preparation for life in Maine. Yet because we made the conscious decision that our marriage and family was more important than anything else I suspect its one of the biggest reasons that we have weathered the financial storms of life.

In many ways we have reached the point where we are okay having less, that as long as our basic needs (and I admit we are defining basic a bit broadly), are met that we are fine. In a world that says mediocrity and settling is bad we are at the place where we are ok with settling professionally and even financially when our personal life is so rich. It’s funny because the past few months have been some of the best times personally for us as the kidlet has gotten older and a bit more predictable (i.e. regular bedtime).

Last night before I drifted off to bed, I told the Spousal Unit that I was content with our life and he replied that he wished he could do more for us, like rehab this 127 year old dungeon we call a home. I won’t lie, it would be lovely to just hire contractors to fix this place but I am happy to just have a home and more importantly a home that is paid off, the rest will come in time.

To my young readers and maybe not so young readers, I guess what I am trying to say is life is too fucking short to spend your time chasing shit that won’t really make you happy. Sometimes we set goals of things we think will change our life and guess what? Those things often aren’t all they are cracked up to be. Instead happiness must come from inside, true its hard to be happy when your belly is empty and you are sleeping on a park bench but the fact is if you got a place to lay your head, food, and more importantly you have good people in your life that is the shit that matters.

I guess in some ways this may seem strange coming from someone who is holding a beg-a-thon to get a new computer after all if I had a better job I could just go out and buy the damn thing. But while that would be nice, the fact is even this blog is a labor of love that I could not do if I were tethered to some high paying gig, thus not having the chance to meet all you fabulous folks who read my ramblings. So don’t let others define who you are by what you have or don’t have, know that you are fabulous no matter what!

Tis the season

10 Dec

Ok, it’s just a drive by kind of night since I am thigh high in planning holiday miracles thanks to my day job. Which is resulting in one very tired Mama, ask me how come we have been eating dinner at 8 pm?

Anyhoo, after work, I stopped by the local Starbucks to get my evening Peppermint Mocha….yeah, I know wasteful but damn they are good. So I was chatting with my favorite barista, a middle-aged fellow who works there and it came up that he was in the middle of a divorce. Now seeing as how I had been the one who mentioned his wife, I felt bad and immediately apologized to which he said oh don’t worry. So I shared with him there is life after divorce, after all the Spousal Unit and I are on 12 years of marital mostly bliss and it’s my second marriage. Hell, this one has lasted way longer than the first one.

But as I got back in the car it dawned on me that Mister Barista is one of a slew of folks I seem to be running into who either just got divorced or are in the middle of the process of divorcing. Most of these folks have kids and frankly I swear I saw em earlier this year and they all seemed happy. What the fuck happened?

I will tell you what happened…reality. Now maybe some of these folks were just badly partnered as was the case with the first husband and I. Really that marriage wouldn’t have lasted no matter what. No, for most folks they fall in love and they are expecting roses and butterflies every day…sorry kids that is fantasy island shit. I know I have written on this topic before but I feel like it’s a subject that needs to be discussed often.

Hell, if folks really knew what they were getting into they’d either flee before taking that final walk or not be crushed when reality turns out to be so utterly different. Look, I have been honest in this blog there have been times when the Spousal Unit and I were in a nasty patch. It just so happens that at the moment things are good, have no fears we know it can change at any minute so we enjoy the good patches, helped along greatly when the child lets us have time together. I tell you its amazing what a lazy Sunday morning can do for a marriage, hell it almost reminds you of why you married in the first place. The thing is it’s never going to be quite like that, so accept it and see the good that is there every day.

Got a man who makes your morning coffee before you get up? That is good. Hell, if he cooks that’s even better. Does she let you watch the game in peace on Sunday afternoon? Great. See a theme here? It’s the day-to-day shit that trips up couples. It’s amazing how we make lists of what we want in a mate that is not at all based in reality then wonder what went wrong.  What went wrong is that we just don’t think about the day-to-day living aspect of staying partnered and its the small shit that can drive ya mad.

So consider this post a quarterly service announcement on staying together lest you up saying tis the season to split up.

PS: I know I have taken a flip tone here and in some cases there are very real reasons to get the fuck out of dodge and end a bad marriage because one partner is completely apeshit or something…but I do think the seeds of discontent often start with small things and grows from there in part because in our culture we think happily ever after. Of course no one ever talks about what that really looks like so when shit starts going south, we think jump ship when what we might need is a reality check.

A dozen years already…

9 Nov

It would appear that there is light at the end of the sickness tunnel, I am feeling normal and girl child is more or less back to herself. To say the last few days were rough would be an understatement, battling your own illness when your kid is sick, is a special type of hell. In my sick and confused state, I even let the child watch Hannah Montana…Yikes, as I told her only because you are sick.

Well now that the sun is shining and the girl was well enough to go to preschool this morning, I have a spare few minutes. The Spousal Unit and I are celebrating 12 years of marriage today. I am not writing this to get congrats messages though they are appreciated. No, I am sharing this because I am reminded that in our world, as soon as couples get engaged they spend an awful lot of time planning for the big party known as the wedding but in many cases little time planning for the day-to-day shit.

When you are standing up before your loved ones, pledging to love one another in sickness and health, for richer and poorer, who is really thinking about all that shit? Yeah, I thought so. Yet looking back on 12 years of marriage with the spousal Unit, we have had few peaceful years. In fact considering all we have endured, there are times I wonder how the hell it is that we stay married?

Let’s see, not even 2 months after we married, I became engaged in the nastiest custody battle I have ever known anyone to have. It lasted for years and at the risk of scarring my kid for life, I ended up letting him live with his Dad which of course is the whole reason, I am Black Girl in Maine. A year into our marriage, the Spousal Unit lost his beloved Mama. Looking back at pictures from our wedding day and members of the bridal party, we lost his Mom, my Mom, my Granny and my Maid of Honor. Yeah, it’s a sick joke but if you were a women in our bridal party, your chances of living long weren’t too high…gallows humor, sorry.

Of course add in financial woes that have increased over the years and the fact that neither of us ever would have thought the child we waited so long to have would be the source of some of the most intense fights. Truthfully girl child’s arrival created many tensions because her arrival in our lives happened when I was still deeply grieving the loss of my mother and compounded by the fact that my beloved grandmother died 6 weeks after her birth…yeah, its been a rough ride for us.

Yet at the end of the day, I wouldn’t change a thing…ok, maybe I would make the man still have hair. He lost that in year 6 or 7 of our marriage. No, despite the fact that our life together has not been anything that I  was envisioning 12 years ago when I was getting ready to walk down the aisle, I am still glad I made the walk and even happier that the Spousal Unit is my partner in crime in this life.

That said, when folks are getting married, I say you owe it to yourselves to think about what if your fortunes change? Are you in it for the long run? Are you thinking about that and if not, maybe you should.

To the Spousal Unit, I say publicly I love you and while I give you a lot of grief, thank you for putting up with me. After all it cannot be easy being married to someone whose list of quirks grows longer with each passing year.

Really…. honesty is a good thing

12 Jul

Obviously I had no plans to be blogging this weekend but this morning when I was making the rounds in cyberspace, I stumbled across a discussion that I just had to write about. I was on a discussion board for couples and a woman posed a question about a problem she was having…seems her ole man has let himself go a bit in the looks dept and long story short, he is just not lighting her fire. Seems her man is a tad flabby and hairy.

If you are a regular reader here at BGIM, you will recall a few months ago I put the Spousal Unit on blast when I stated publicly that he just wasn’t doing in the looks department. I am proud to report and if you follow me on Twitter you know what I mean, that the Spousal Unit has been working on his body and lets just say mama is happy!

So back to this woman, almost all the advice given was to not tell her man that he is slacking because it could damage the relationship. Some folks even went so far as to suggest maybe when intimate times start she needs to visualize someone else to get in the mood. Wait! Hold the fuck up but if Spousal Unit or any man I was with was thinking of Beyonce or someone else before entering my queendom, that would not only hurt me but I would be pissed off beyond words if it ever came out.

Look, back when I was a young girl, I played those types of games…because I didn’t want to hurt a man’s feelings. His stroke sucked, I just faked it…nah, too old for that. I’m sorry but if you are married to someone and can’t honestly say look babe, your back is way too hairy or baby put that Dorito bag down because you are looking like a tubby bitch, you got bigger problems than feeling a tad underwhelmed in the sex department.

I admit for most folks blasting your partners business in public is probably not a good idea though around my camp it did work and I am most happy, but seriously marriage means you shouldn’t have to hold back on such an important  subject. While we don’t want to go out of the way  to hurt our partners feelings, at the same time, we should feel that we can be honest with this person about such basic needs…and sex is a basic need.

On the flip side many women in this discussion stated if their man told them they were not happy with their physical appearance they would be crushed, personally when I was hitting close to almost 200 lbs and finally realized I needed to lose weight, I was pissed that the Spousal Unit had not told me I was getting large. Granted I was 8 months postpartum but a sista was not cute at all, sadly I am not that Black woman that looks good as a full figure woman, I looked like someone who needed to push the fuck away from the table and run 5 miles.

I appreciated that he didn’t want to hurt my feelings but I also would not have been mad had he called me out on my weight…so while I can’t speak for everyone, at least in in house honesty is best.

Call me close minded

19 Jun

I am telling you right now, what I am about to say may be offensive to some, for that I apologize but I really need to say this…Now I consider myself a pretty open minded person. To some degree I have to be, I mean look I am a Black woman who happens to be married to a white guy with biracial kids who lives in Maine of all places. That type of background by its very nature should tell you that I am a pretty open person.

I have all kinds of folks in my life that I call friends ranging from raging Christian fundamentalists, gay and lesbians, pagans….really the whole range but some things, I am sorry I just don’t understand. I have recently run across some folks who consider themselves poly-amorous. In case you are not familiar with that term it means they are in relationships with multiple folks at the same time and everyone is aware of the situation….sorta like modern day swingers.

Now I don’t have a problem with folks who swing, but I am talking folks in families with kids and mutiple partners…maybe its my Christian roots showing but I don’t get that. So if you swing , can you enlighten a sista because honestly the more I hear about this, the more I find myself scratching my head going why?

I will be honest, I have always stated that I think in every relationship there should be one get out of jail card free…practically speaking that means you get one time to stray and I am not talking a full fledged relationship with someone else. I am talking you got drunk, skunky drunk and shit happens. Long as you are honest with me (don’t have me going to the gyno with burning or bumps) then we can work through it.

Now I know you are wondering wtf???? Didn’t she just say she is not down with polyamory? I did but for me what I am talking is a one time you fuck up card. Thankfully neither the Spousal Unit or I have ever called in that card and chances are we never will but I did start our marriage putting it out there because I figure if we are married at least as long as my folks were (31 years) I can forgive one lapse in judgement over a lifetime together. Now I would probably be unpleasant for a bit but it would not be the death of the relationship.

However having a regular girl or boy on the side is a problem and talking about moving that person in…well that is up there with I don’t get it. Maybe its me but logistically how the fuck does that work? Baby, I am with so and so tonight. More importantly how do 3-4 folks engage in a loving relationship all at the same time that presumably is sexual?

See, I feel like if feelings for another ever got that deep than maybe its time to reevaluate the primary relationship, I am sorry but that sort of love triangle seems like recipe for someone snapping and losing their mind. Not to equate myself with God but in the Old Testament of the Bible it says thou shall no other Gods before me and that he is a jealous God. Well I feel like thou shall have no other adult love interest but me for I am a jealous wife….yeah, that sounds bad but as someone who is often pushed to the max emotionally the idea of splitting myself emotionally with two men  sounds like even more work that having one man. KWIM?

Then there is the issue of kids, how does one explain multiple parents? No, I am serious. Even here where I live parents with 2 moms and 2 dads well that’s normal at least in my world, but 2 dads 1 mom or 3 moms and 1 dad…I don’t get it and part of my writing this is not to bash anyone but to honestly say if you have this sort of situationm please tell me how it works because I have just presented all the reasons why I don’t get it.

I mean what woman hasn’t said she wished she had a wife? Got PMS and the ole man is horny, send your co-wife instead, that I get but what happens when I need some love and my co-wife got the love allotment? See, that would be problematic at least for me.

So excuse me if I was crass and offended you but the beauty of blogging is that I get to say what I want and even look for ways to expand my mind….happy Friday.

Unplugging for connection

15 Jun

A while back I wrote about my marriage and how I wasn’t feeling as connected to the Spousal Unit as I would like…sorry I am too tired to link to that post. Anyway since the time I wrote that post, things have gotten a tad better. No, the Spousal Unit did not suddenly grow a luxurious head of hair, his beard is still flecked with gray and he still has a bit of a pot belly though he is working on not snacking as much. I can’t even say our money woes have suddenly gone away.  Though the Spousal Unit has gotten some clarity around his mid life crisis as it relate to his career and is heading in the right direction.

So what did change? Well as of lately I have decided to unplug a bit from the internet. See, I spend a lot of time online, in part I am on my computer a lot because of work but truthfully over the past few months (really longer than that) I have started using the internet as an avoidance tool. Its much easier to read blogs and read about other folks seemingly perfect lives, granted I had a revelation today that the grass is not always greener on the other side. As a blogger, I tend to be a bit raw, or as one of my favorite professors in grad school used to say..get raggedy so you can see what’s really beneath the surface.  In many ways this space serves as my place to let it all out and over the months I have appreciated the feedback.

However last week, it hit me that I need to really limit my time online. So this weekend I did just that and guess what? The result was a level of connection that I have not had in a long time, so much so that I found myself wondering how many of us use the internet to avoid dealing with those less than perfect things in our lives?

I suspect I am not alone, maybe you don’t use the internet, maybe you stay busy…really doesn’t matter what it is but I am reminded that in our high tech world sometimes we need to turn it all off to get some perspective on our own lives. Today started like any other Monday in that I had a lot on my plate but for the first time in a long time, I saw the Spousal Unit in a positive light and it felt good.

So if I go MIA for a while it most likely means I have unplugged so that I can plug into those who are most important to me. If you don’t have relationship issues but are just feeling overwhelmed with the pace of life, I strongly advice unplugging, summer is here, get off the computer and enjoy some nature. Now I just need the sun to come out again so I can get back outside.

For the ladies especially the single ladies

17 Apr

My Pops used to have this corny ass saying “Don’t take advice on growing hair from a ball-headed man” now on the surface it seems rather cheesy but there is a bit of truth there. Case in point, I see both in real life and online, women who have never been married giving advice on men and marriage. Yep, I am about to go there. Look, we all are entitled to our opinions and thoughts but let’s be real, maybe getting your advice on having a man from someone with no man is a bad idea or taking advice from a man who has been married a few times and possibly stole his book idea from a woman (hello Steve Harvey) is also a bad idea.

I have been married 11 years, been with my husband 13 years, he is in fact my second marriage but I am his first. The first time I got married at 18 and it was just a bad idea, so I ended the relationship and marriage. So one could say I know a few things on marriage, my own parents were married 31 years, it was a true to death do we part situation.In the 5 years since my Mom’s death, my Dad has no desire to be with another woman, instead waiting to be reunited with my Momma when he dies. In fact he says that since her death, he no longer even has “those” thoughts and desires…

So I come from marrying stock as you can see, no missing Dad, shit at times when I was a kid I used to wish I could have a single parent home like many of my friends had, of course now I am thankful for what I had…we may not have had much money but I saw the blueprint daily on what a marriage looks like.

Oh, they had their bad times and good times, it was not all happy in the hood but they stuck it out and in some ways its those memories of how a marriage looks that keeps me grounded when I start thinking of flying the coop up here in Maine. Of course we get urges its just that as an adult I have to think about the choices I make.

Anyway I often see and hear single women particularly single Black women creating a checklist about what they want/need in a man…lets see most lists seem to include college-educated, good job (financial stability), attractive looks, no ex-wives, no baby Mamas, no Mama boys, no down-low history (that means he creeps with men at times for those not in the know), no prison record. I think that seems to sum up the list of requirements most women I know who are currently man-less seem to seek.

On the surface it seems like a good list, however as a woman who has been married a bit, that list makes me laugh, it seems so childish. I mean a man can start off with all those things but as life goes on shit happens. Shit, my own hubby is looking at a mid life career crisis, 13 years ago he met that list truth is life has gotten rocky. Thankfully the most important thing we have is friendship and love, its that love that carries us in these rough times.

I fear that many women particularly Black women have no idea of what is truly involved in marriage and we will create barriers to having relationships because we cling to some fantasy idea of what a man should or should not be or we base his worth of what he has, rather than his accomplishments as a human. Look, by all means no one needs to date or marry a hardened criminal, or share a no-good man…hell no! On the other hand I know some sistas who have their advanced degrees who only want a man with an advanced degree. I have a masters degree but truthfully if I were single and seeking a man, I would not require or need a man that matches me in education. Instead I would seek a man who is curious about the world and seeks out knowledge, there are a ton of assholes with fancy degrees who are intellectually limp. Once they got out of school, they were no longer curious or engaged with the greater world.

Also to have a relationship that lasts I think we must be flexible, I think inflexibility is the death of any relationship. You have to be willing to continue to redefine and renegotiate the relationship so  that it is mutually agreeable for both parties. I think when we are with a man and wondering if he is the one, you need to envision yourself with that man should his good looks start to flee, his amazing job and thus financial stability goes south and life throws you curve balls (death, any other bad things) yet you can still find yourself happy with that man, then he might be the one.

One thing I have  learned over the years is that life happens and it happens when we are making plans but those plans don’t always go the way we want them to…so look for a man that you can imagine being with when life is at its worse. Love is easy when all is well in our lives, the real test is when life sucks its at that point we know and learn what love is about.

Love is hard enough without setting up superficial requirments as to what we think we must have in a man.

Marriage…the real deal

22 Feb

This is a personal post, more a release of my own thoughts and yes while some of what I am about to say is raw, please know that everything that is on my mind has indeed been discussed with my husband.

Marriage, its that thing that many women dream about, from the time women are young girls somehow our culture has brought home the thought that one day you will wear a big white dress and walk down an aisle to your own prince charming, exchange promises to love, honor and maybe even obey. There might even big a party and afterwards you will  live happily ever after, maybe even have a couple kids, a house and be together until death do you part.

Problem with this thought is that its pure fantasy, everyone thinks about the wedding, the dress and all that other shit but very little detail is focused on the hard day to day work of staying married. I have talked about some of this before but marriage is hard work, its the second hardest job you get when it comes to personal relationships aside from raising kids.

I am going to be honest, I am in a rut. The spousal unit and I have been married 11 years, it will be 12 this fall…up until a few years ago, our marriage seemed perfect. I married a man who is my best friend and make no mistake he still is my best friend. There is nothing I cannot share with him hence why what I am writing is not new to him but the reality is that the challenges of living with less money thus the ability to take that occasional trip is now gone and just doing fun things is pretty non-existant, then you add to the mix we are raising the kids and you add aging ….well, its a recipe for feeling like BB King’s oldie but goodie “The Thrill is Gone”.

I don’t think the thrill is really gone its just that in the real world of marriage and relationships, sometimes there isn’t going to be a thrill….sometimes its going to feel like the most boring job in the world. You know that good steady job that isn’t exciting but pays damn well so you know you need to stay.

However there are times when temptation enters the picture, this is going to sound strange to anyone who doesn’t personally know us which is most of my readers but my mate is a few years older than me, so he has already crossed that 40’s threshold where I have a few more years to go, in case you care to know I am 36. Regular readers also know that the spousal unit is white and I am not…we are facing a strange scenario where the hubby is not aging as gracefully as me, we both attribute this to our respective gene pools. I look like I am in my 20’s and the hubby does not. Truthfully its hard for me watching him age less gracefully than what I am used to in my own family of origin, my Pops is almost 60 but still has a head full of hair whereas my husband is bald because the male pattern baldness was so bad that trying to keep what hair he had was not working anymore.

Now, I know I may sound vain as hell but the reality is its hard for me and well this is where my mind wanders and wonders, no I have no desire to step out on the hubby but since I lost all my weight and now am the size I have spent most of my life at, the reality is temptation seems to be lurking in every corner and I gotta be honest its hard to say no.

Lately I feel as if my soul is is in this death match, there is the angel on one side saying don’t go there and the spirit on the other side saying “Life’s short..go for it”. I made a joke a few days to my husband that I feel like I should never go back home for a visit since temptation would even be worse, of course never visiting family and friends is not feasible but you know what I mean…

My point in sharing this is that marriage is hard work, lately I have been praying daily to recommit myself to my husband and not allow these thoughts to take over but I am reminded that this is much harder than one thinks. I also have realized that many couples that have been married 20, 30, 40 and more years have also faced these same temptations…some give in but many don’t. Yet nobody ever tells couples when they are wrapped up in the love glow that a day may come when you find yourself praying for the strength and courage to stay the course and not stray.

I am also convinced that not all straying is the result of bad feelings, heck I love my husband but what I am battling is independent of him, in some ways its a moral test that I am facing. The one test I have no intentions of  failing but one I never expected to be an issues 11 years ago when I stood in front of my husband and my father (who married us) and pledged my undying love.

Beyonce recently came out with a song telling the single ladies to get a ring, well I say before you get that ring think about what the journey of marriage will entail, its more than rings and dresses…its a journey that can reveal who you are at your deepest core.

Are we too hard on ourselves..

22 Jul

I am in my second marriage, the first one lasted only half a minute, just long enough to produce my son and realize that getting married at 18 is a really bad idea for most folks. That said when I remarried at 24, I felt more or less ready. The spousal unit and I are a good fit, we are like sour cream and cheddar cheese chips, he is the sour cream and I am the cheddar.

I will admit that when I took that short walk down that aisle the second time I was nervous since second marriages have a high chance of failure, that said this is the hubby’s first and he is committed to making it work

I say all this to say that last night we had a bit of a argument, really it was about bullshit, but in the three years since our daughter was born, these nothing arguments have increased from being at best a yearly event to at least a few per month. I suppose this should not have been a surprise but for a couple that rarely argues, these past three years we have been stretched. However during last night’s argument, I uttered the words my spousal unit hates to hear “Well maybe you should leave”. Truth is I really don’t want him to leave, its just that at those moments when I am most vulnerable and feeling stressed and all I really want is to be left alone, I seem to put on my strong Black woman costume. Sistas if you reading this, you know what I am talking about.

Its in that moment, I look at him and, I hear snatches of ole songs ” I am every woman”, old sayings my Mom and Granny used to utter “You can do bad by yourself” and I get so caught up in the moment and utter the vilest shit.

After the argument I was reminded of a new blog I have been reading that deals with Black women and it hit me that I am perpetuating a lot of the negativity that interferes with relationships that Black women have generally with brothas but truthfully with men in general. The shit that keeps us from being willing to expose our vulnerability, our needs and truth is its got to stop.

Last year when I unexpectedly lost my job, I took on doing all the work around the house except for taking out garbage, thing is I am still doing it and I am working again, plus mini-me is not so little and elder child is home for the summer. Yet the funny thing is the spousal unit never asked me to do everything, but some how in my mind I started thinking I should do everything, even now. As you can imagine this causes a great deal of tension, since as I have been told I walk around with a perpetual scowl on my face.

Yet here I am getting mad as hell when in fact I put this on myself, last night after we made up, I was plagued with the thought that despite growing up in a 2 parent home, I seem to perpetuate all the negative images that many sistas in general have about men, and while some of its true the fact is I think we bring a lot of it on ourselves by not being upfront. Simple stuff like making dinner, I married a man who had been on his own for years and knows how to cook but as he jokes half heartedly it was after we married that I took away his cooking privileges yet I bitch all the time about hating to cook.

The thing is in relationships unless you are truly not well matched, its the little shit that will bring the relationship down, years of cooking when you really didn’t want to.. and so on.

No, the realization hit me this morning that if I am truly committed to making this work, its time to permanently retire my superwoman suit. I am not every woman and I can not do everything and I am not even expected to. I also must be willing to get real and as a old professor of mine in grad school said during a workshop, be prepared to get raggedy. The reality is in a loving relationship its ok to be raggedy at times, no one thinks less of you. I just need to stop thinking less of myself. I suspect I am not the only one out here who needs to ease up on herself either.