I must admit that until I started hanging out with white women both on-line and IRL, I really did not know that so many women have issues with their man looking at porn. Now before I begin, I know there are women of color who also have issues with their partners looking at porn, but my unscientific conclusion is that white women seem to get bothered by it way more than the sistas do.
Me personally, it doesn’t bother me and nor do I feel disrespected by it. Shit, the reality is for months after our daughter was born a sista was not in the mood, shit I was tired and if the spousal unit needed to get his jollies off looking at some air-brushed babe, didn’t mean he loved me less or was being disrespectful to me. I didn’t feel his looking at the occasional nude pic meant he loved me less or had issues with women. Shoot, the mister is one of the kindest and gentlest men who is in touch with his feminine side but at the same time he is a man with needs and for me him handling his business was preferable to him pestering the shit out of me while I was recovering for almost a year after giving birth. Yeah, it was a serious drought around these parts.
Yet I am continuously amazed when I hear my white friends say if they caught their man with porn it would be a betrayal… um, no for me a betrayal would be if I walk in my bedroom and there is another woman on my bed, now that is some betrayal. A while back a good white friend confessed she and her husband only had relations once in a blue moon and that she had not given her ole man any special treats in about 5 years. Can I be blunt? As I heard this story and nodded my head, I thought to myself, are you sure your man is faithful? Now I know her husband, he is a nice guy but I know having had 2 husbands that if I only wanted to kick it every now and then, that would not make for a happy man especially since this same friend is anti-porn, in other words she don’t want the mister wanking off to images that are not her.
Um, I am ole school..reared by a Black woman and the one lesson I always got from my Moms is take care of your man and if your man handles his business correct, do not tell your girlfriends? Why, you ask? Simply put, you start spouting off about how your man makes your toes curl, you will learn who your true friends are.. shit, I learned that lesson back in my 20’s when a so-called friend stepped to my man. No, some shit you don’t share.
That said, back to the story at hand, seriously men and women have different needs, many of us women like to cuddle and have that quality time.. men, they like that too but at the same time, they like to blow off steam if you know what I mean and IMO if you are in a committed relationship, you need to take care of each other or else there will be a disconnect. I am not saying have sex when you don’t want to, hell nawl to that but damn by laying down rules like no porn if that’s what your man likes, seems to me you are creating tension where there need not be tension.
I know that many women feel pornography is degrading to women, that many of the women are being taken advantage of but these days there is also a lot of quality women made porn, so I would think a couple could meet in the middle and find something acceptable.
One thing I have learned after 2 marriages and 2 kids, men do not like to be controlled anymore than we do and silly rules like no porn do not help a relationship. However if you feel your man viewing porn is fucking with your self-esteem then I suggest checking out Katt Williams in the sketch where he talks about how esteem is a thing of YOUR self, not anyone else. Men are smart, chances are your honey would rather have you than the woman on the screen, so keep that in mind.
Blackgirlinmaine's Weblog 
Well said I my ex was an obsessive porn viewer watcher, I never forbade it that even sounds funny thinking it in my head as I type, but I do know I made a few faces. I was more like that’s what you gonna be looking at every time I walk in your study dude? Really, you might want check that out…feels a little close to addiction and kinda creepy.
Excellent post though, you are right how are you going to tell your man only want me but not even make me available?
-OG
Your viewpoint works well and is on point,
I think it’s fine for men who like occasional porn and it doesn’t become a substitute for sex with the wife. It so pisses off a woman (or a gay male partner), if they’re in the mood but their partner lies and says they’re not, but then sneaks off to use up his energy whacking off to the computer or with a magazine, then goes to sleep. That would be a total drag.
Thanks for this blog. Very interesting…and empowering, indeed. 🙂
no special action in 5 years? im not saying getting down is the only part of a marriage but i think when that starts to go then you will have issues.i would feel weird watching movies with my girl but if i wasnt “allowed ” to look at it…. i cant even finish that thought cause its so crazy of a rule
Great post!
I can see where pornography could become a problem for some men and women. It’s just like anything else in life. Right? I mean, the simplest of life’s pleasures can be abused and turn into a source of relationship problems. I agree, though, that watching porn is not a kind of betrayal. Plus, I noticed my fella’s porn-viewing activities decreased as my libido increased.
Nice post.
-Heather
Wow, I don’t know how (or why) and old trackback like that found its way to your comment here. Weird.
Fantastic post. Very open and best of all logical.
God knows there are times when sex was the last thing on my mind. If my x-husband would have taken the initiative to use visual aids, I would have been more than happy.
Additionally, to those women who have an objection to porn, have you actually ever watched any???
If you get a good movie and watch it with your significant other, its a great way to get you in the mood, add spice, and perhaps even get you thinking about some things that you would like to try.
Porn is far from degrading as long as it is produced via a legitimate and regulated source. The women are paid well; health concerns are addressed; it is all safe, sane and conscentual. Just think of it as an educational video:-) that just happens to stimulate the brain and the body.
So whats the problem???